Pain, without love, Pain, I can't get enough....

ok, so, update on steve.
we kindasorta started up again a couple of months ago. He came o'er, we watched a movie....we missed most of the movie. Afterwards he told me he wanted to kool things off cuz he didn't want to go through the "downs" again like we did before (when I didn't talk to him for about a yr). We were to "behave". so ok, I'd play along. The following week we end up in the shower together. oops. Then he says we really have to start behaving. Repeat a couple more times. Kinda hard to keep track of if we're behaving or not.

Couple of weeks ago he ended up coming o'er for a poker night I was having with friends. They all left and he stayed. He tried to initiate things again. I resisted - only made out a bit. Ask him about it a couple of days later and his answer "I was just bugging ya". OH MY FUCKING GAWD.

Went o'er last night and hung out and ended up staying to watch a movie. Nothing happened. Good, at least that night was "clear".

Today I asked him what he was up to tonight, he said not much. I said (jokingly) "well you could come o'er and help me study but I think you'd have more fun doin' nothing at home". He was like ok. I asked if he was serious or joking and he said he was serious. He kept that up for a good 15 minutes (having me believe he was going to come o'er) and then he says "ok, time to go home, bye" and left. WHAT THE FUCK !??!

I'm sorry, he has to know what the hell he's doin'. I'm sure he doesn't realize that I've fallen in love with him over the years, but he has to know that I have some sort of feelings for him. How could he not ?!

I've decided that I'm not initiating any contact with him from now on. I've deleted him off my msn again so that I don't.

My question is - why do I keep going back for more ? Am I masochistic ?! I know I should just cut all ties and call it a day, but I can't seem to do so. Why not ? I'm smarter than this.

You do know how to whistle, don't ya Steve ?

I got mad at Steve today. Not for any of the normal stuff I get mad at him for (being a jerkly, messing with my head, etc.). I actually got mad at him for something I dreamt. oy. (I prolly actually shouldn't be admitting this).
I also figured out that I get upset when I hear mention of her. Not because I don't like her (she seems uh, ok to me I guess).....it's actually because it reminds me of the lies he told me. He once told me that I had more personality in my little finger than she did in her whole body. He also told me that they were more like "roomates" than "husband and wife" (his own words, verbatim). What I don't get is why he's still with her then ? His excuse to me was along the lines of "it's too expensive to get divorced" or "I don't have anyone else here in ottawa, she's my only family here". B.S. Pure, utter B.S.
Now they say that sometimes one partner cheating actually strenghtens the marriage (the affair makes them appreciate what they have at home). apparently not in this case. He's STILL trying to sleep with me. oy, I wish he'd quit trying to mess with my head. It's not gonna work, I'm pretty much detached to the point where his efforts would be futile. the borg he ain't, resist I can.

Don't you forget about me...

ah, paddy's day. the day of green and of beer. I spent paddy's day with ppl I went to primary and high school with. Not ppl I hung out with hin school, just went to the same school as them. This was the first time I actually hung out with them. was weird. some of them used to kinda pick on me in school I think. they were the stoner/truant crowd. they's kool now though. Plus, the object of my affection, Eric, well his brother is in that crowd. so it's one step closer to actually meeting him !!
Can't say the day after paddy's day was as good though.....going to work hungover is not recommended. I lost count of how many times I spaced out.

Fast forward a month and I hang out with them again. decided to get my PAL (possession and acquisition licence). sign up for the course with Chet and Leo. Chet is staying 5 mins from the RA centre so Leo and I crash there. I meet up with them on the friday night at the Den at like 11ish for a drink and then we were sposed to head back to actually get some sleep. Didn't exactly turn out that way......left the Den at 1:30ish with chet, leo and chris. go back to chet's and end up going to bed at 4ish. chris didn't have anywhere to crash so I offered him to crash on my bed....we end up making out some and I got like maybe 30mins of sleep. wake up the next day still drunk....leo was still high....and chet ended up puking outside the RA Centre. what a luverly sight we made.
All in all we all three ended up passing the course for unrestricted along with restricted. Slim is officially allowed to shoot guns.....BEWARE !

Monogamy shmonogamy

I might take flack for this, but I do not believe that monogamy is natural. Now, hear me out before you get all defensive or judgemental.

If ppl were left to their own devices, monogamy would be non-existent. Monogamy is a societally imposed norm, not a natural condition. Now, that's not to say I don't believe in practicing monogamy, I'm just saying I don't believe it's natural.

I'm not condonning polygamy/bigamy though ! But if ppl were not raised in a society that imposed monogamy as the norm, I believe that most would have "open" relationships. We are conditioned to believe that monogamy is the correct path.

Speaking of societally imposed norms, society pisses me off. Just because I choose to be single and I don't want to get married and have 2.4 kids with the white picket fence, I'm an outsider. I get pity looks from ppl in couples cuz they feel sorry for me. Apparently, according to society, I should want to get married, start a family, and settle down. But I don't. And that makes me an outsider or defective in some way or something.

I don't believe in marriage. I've seen too many ppl stray or try to stray in relationships that I've lost faith in the sanctity of marriage. And I don't see why I have to spend all this money on one day to prove that I love someone. Why do I need that little piece of paper to show that I love them ? why isn't me telling them that enough. And on that subject, why do ppl feel the need for me to be in a relationship to be happy ? Why can't I be happy being single ? I don't want pity cuz I'm single. I choose to be single. I like being single. I like the freedom of doin' whatever I want whenever I want. I'm tired of getting the pity looks or ppl trying to set me up with anybody and everybody just cuz they think I'll be happier being in a 'couple'.

well, this turned into more or a rant that I had anticipated. oops.

Bond. James Bond.

Ran into James for the first time since I got back from out West.
He's still as yummy as EVER ! with his suits and he oozes charisma and ......*fades off into daydream*

well, I've basically had a crush on him since I met him....so for about 4 yrs now. oy. (didn't really realize it though till about two or three months ago)
I'm thinking it might be time to do something about it.
but it's JAMES ! he's one of the few ppl who I can't 'talk' around....I lose most motor functions. I can sometimes make vowel sounds....

I needed a little pick me up though - so I called G.
Told him to call me sometime if he wanted to go out. He said he would. He's nice. but I think he's too nice for me. But he rides, so that's a plus. I hope he's not all shaggy still though (last time I saw him he had grown his hair out and had a beard - he looked like grizzly adams - clean shaven he's cute though !).

It's all about James though. I don't want to have this crush on him - but I can't get rid of it !!!
Stupid hot james !!! Hmph !

Perspective....

Perspective is funny. I was thinking about that the other day. What if e'eryone perceives things differently but because society has assigned a "label" to e'erything we all think we see the same thing.

What if what I see as "blue" someone else sees as "red" but because society labelled it as "blue" we all think we see it the same way, as blue ? (that so made sense in my head)
so that would account for one person thinking they like two certain colours together and someone else saying they don't - cuz maybe they're seeing them as two completely different colours. Hmm...

Another thing that perplexes me is "relativity".
It's funny how things change depending on the context. Example : you put your hand on a hot woman/man for 10 minutes and it feels like 10 seconds, but put your hand on a hot stove for 10 seconds and it feels like 10 minutes.

Under the sea

You know what would be kool - being a mermaid. Swimming around all day - seeing all the stuff in the ocean. that would be TOO COOL ! and having a singing crab for a friend - too much fun ! and plus, you'd ne'er have to worry about what to wear - seashell bra and you're set. Dunno how comfortable a seashell bra would be but can't be that bad. And I could swim around singing all day !

But then again, if I were a mermaid I'd prolly wish I were on land.

The grass is always greener, as they say. (or, in this case, maybe the seaweed is always greener ?).